Every day I find myself apologizing. Apologizing to myself for not being the person I want to be. I feel hurt and shame every day. This is motherhood.
I work hard. I think about my kids all day long, and am desperate to hold them.
Then I pick up my daughter from daycare and she has not slept all day. She is shown love and acceptance from her caregivers, but she cannot seem to get her basic needs met. She cries all night until I put her to bed. I cannot even offer her dinner because she is so beside herself.
I pick up my son from daycare. He has been 1 in 20 all day long. He does not eat or sleep all day because no one notices his needs. He is wild and hangry when I pick him up, and he is beside himself until he gets to bed.
I dread every night Monday - Wednesday.
And so I apologize to myself for making another frozen pizza for dinner. For leaving a stack of laundry unfolded because I am Just. Too. Tired. For sleeping through my alarm and missing out on my only opportunity for exercise at 4:30am. For raising my voice at Everett when he pushes my buttons. For not keeping a cleaner house. For skipping showers and social gatherings. For eating too many cookies and holding onto those last 5 pounds. For being so anxiety-ridden that I find myself petrified when I finally have the time and energy for something.
There are many things I am giving my children by working full time, but I know there are also so many things they are not getting because of this decision. I hate that I have to choose, so I ask myself for forgiveness.
This is a phase and it will pass. Do you see that layer of dust? I chose to leave it there so I could spend my only free moments building a happy family. We are wanting in many ways, but we have each other.
I am sorry.
These pictures were taken on our trip to Glacier National Park this summer. This is the best photography I can manage with a wiggling baby strapped to me.