Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Three P's

Puke, Pee, and Poop.

I've been avoiding this post as long as possible. In fact, I wanted to avoid it all together. But I guess it is inevitable: when you have a baby, you will eventually end up telling everyone about his/her bodily functions. Before you dismiss this post as a typical mommy rant about how funny my child's fart was, keep in mind there is much to be learned in the end. However, if you are on your lunch break, or are the least bit squeamish, perhaps I can direct you to this page instead.

New moms can be found Googling endlessly in the middle of the night. If you are a parent-to-be, you better invest in an iPad soon because Google is going to be your best friend (I recommend the mini for ease of one-handed browsing...while nursing of course). As a new parent, I was often shocked that my seemingly obscure questions popped up as common phrases in the Google search box. So thank you Google for helping me with the following:

  • Nursing baby milk dripping out nose?
  • Consistency baby spit up after eating?
  • Green spot in baby poop breastfeeding normal?
  • How many dirty diapers?
  • Baby screams when...?
  • Baby won't sleep?

With all my expertise (attained from Google and countless parenting books I read while pregnant), I guess I assumed everyone has the most basic knowledge of what to expect when a baby commits one of the three P's. It turns out I was wrong.

A few days ago, Grandpa T took the reigns and graciously agreed to watch Everett for an afternoon. I think we can all relate to the fact that when G'pa says he'll babysit, G'ma is the one who ends up doing the dirty work. Well, G'ma wasn't home that day, so G'pa T was in charge.

A couple hours after Everett's arrival at G'pa T's house, I got a phone call.

"Hey Honey! Everett sure is a happy boy. We're having fun. Did you get my voicemail?"
"No, what's up?"
"Well, when I took Everett out of his car seat, I noticed his shirt was a little wet."
His diaper leaked. Oh well. There's a spare change of clothes.
"I figured it was just spilled milk, so we played for a little while. Then I noticed that the wetness started turning yellow."
Oh no...
"It didn't smell, so I figured he must have spilled baby food on himself."
Please tell me you cleaned him up.
"So we went to the neighbor's house and said hello, then we walked around a bit and played. I noticed the stain started traveling up his shirt and into his armpit."
Oh, please no...
"Then it started dripping down his leg. I thought, 'Boy, I better clean this up before it starts dripping into his diaper.'"
Please clean it up! 
"So I took off his diaper and started cleaning the food up. I turned around for a second and felt something warm on my arm."
Is this going to get any worse?
"When I turned back, there was a fountain of pee coming out of him and squirting on the couch."  

In conclusion, Everett pooped his pants and it was getting EVERYWHERE. Meanwhile, G'pa was parading him around the neighborhood. Then, Everett peed on my dad and his furniture. 

Here's where we learn something. Everyone knows what poop looks like. This right?

And it smells like death.

I should never have expected my dad to know any different when it came to watching Everett, as all 5 of his kids were formula fed. But people, breastmilk poop is different. It has a slight smell, which while it is not pleasant, does not have the offensive stench of someone who just shat in their pants. In addition, it is not brown. It is YELLOW. It is not solid, but runny. And it is seedy.

 Smells kinda sweet and kinda gross.
You know how when you eat a lot of veggies and they come out the other end without being fully digested? I know you know, so don't deny it. Or when you eat a lot of beets and your toilet paper turns red? I know you know, so don't you DARE deny it. Well, eating breastmilk is like eating veggies, while eating formula is like eating a Zips burger. Your shit is what you eat. 

And thank goodness there is a website that gives you pictures of all the possible scenarios you might find when closely examining a baby's diaper. Because as gross as it is, sometimes you just need to know what baby poop looks like. So if you're curious, Google it. (But here it is for those brave souls who are winging the whole parenting thing like us, and stumble upon this blog...via Google.)

Parents of the world, stand proud and tall with your poop and pee tracking charts! Delight in the normalcy of that time you took out the tape measure to quantify how far Bebe's projectile vomit went! Take out your iPads and your iPhones, and Google with the satisfaction of knowing that somewhere in this world, another someone is asking the same disgusting question as you (hopefully said someone is also a parent).

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