Advanced Breastfeeding: How to Remove a Clogged Duct

Guess who's become a professional at removing clogged milk ducts...this guy. Guess who's going to share her knowledge with the world...this guy.

So how do you know if you have a clogged duct?

• Is your gigantic boob even bigger than usual?
• Does it feel like you have a bruised, throbbing vein running down the length of your boob?
• Does it feel like there is a river rock in your chest?
• Are you nursing, pumping, and squeezing with little or nothing coming out?
• Has your baby been nursing less frequently due to illness, teething, distractions, or introduction to solid foods?
• Does your chest look like this?

If you answered "Yes" to any or all of the above, you may have a clogged duct. Here's my step-by-step guide for removing one of these bad boys.

Step 1: Don't panic.

Step 2: You can take a hot shower. This will help you relax.

Step 3: You can gently massage the affected area. I like to use lotion.

Step 4: If the above efforts have provided no release, you can nurse or pump.

Step 5: If the bitch still isn't relenting, squeeze the muthah as hard as you can from every angle possible. Squeeze to high heavens, and push like you're giving birth out your nipple. Work your efforts in a downward motion, starting at the top of the clog and going all the way to the nipple. Get under the clog, over the clog, to the side of the clog, among the clog. Note that you might have to holler a little and make tribal noises while you're squeezing; it's the only way.

Step 6: Squeeze like there's no tomorrow until milk starts spraying everywhere. Then, latch your baby or start the pump to get it all out.

Step 7: Enjoy your happy, deflated boob.